And another...

I feel like I'm running away from questions that are constantly being asked of me. What am i supposed to do when eventually fighting myself for answers prevents me from honestly approaching them. Francis asked me to come out and say exactly what I think and feel and that my brutal honesty will be accepted. I don't know if I can answer that "question"...maybe Francis will accept what I have to say as a teacher and friend, but I don't know trust everyone yet. That might sound rude, but lets be frank, we've only been a class for little over 5 weeks, if even that much. Can you say that you trust me? Can you trust me to be level headed and not judgmental. How can I live up to an expectation like that and how can all of you? We judge each other. We make decisions based on our judgments every single fucking day. We are in THIS class because we are judgmental and live in a world of rank and disassociation.

Anyways, on to my brutal honesty.

I don't know why I'm in this class, I don't know why I care so much. For the longest time I believed it was because Charisse, my girlfriend, is Filipina and because my girlfriend prior was also 1/4 Japanese and explored openly that part of herself, however minor. And then again, who is to say what is minor or not...I'm sure somewhere along the way in my past there was asianic blood mixed into my family tree. I know that 4-5 generations back a native American married into the family line on my mother's mother's side. The point is why am I interested NOW. Why do I CARE NOW.

I remember distinctly last year in Sex and Race in Plays and Films a discussion that broke out in class about the Asian male/female stereotypes. There was a girl who spoke up, an Asian girl, and said how angry she was about white guys goings for Asian girls. She hated how some of her white friends were just like...man I want to fuck an asian chick, blah blah. That actually offended me because I'm dating an asian girl and I'm a white guy. I didn't speak up though because I believe for the first time I finally understood what it meant to be the Other and what it meant to not always be this or that, but to but the excluded. I wanted to speak up, because I felt it was unfair but something kept me from voicing my opinion. It might have been how angry she was, it was the first time I had ever seen her that passionate. I want to say that somewhere along the line a white guy had gone after her because she was asian and not because she was who she was. That would piss me off, too. You have expectations to meet that shouldn't be there.

Because of that, I've question my true motives for even studying Asian history and Asian American History. I'll admit that I am attracted to Asian Woman, but I never thought of it as something perverse or abnormal. If i find a woman attractive she is attractive. I guess I have a greater affinity for Asian woman now because the woman that I love happens to be Asian so that part of my sexuality that has grown accustomed to her finds greater attraction in those who are similar in complexion and form. Its embarrassing actually because I dont want to be one of those guys. I don't want to be the guy that makes other girls talk behind Charisse's back, like oh she's with that white guy, what a slut. She is far from being a Slut, I definitely wouldn't say she's pure...not the slightest, but she has morals and dignity just like the rest of us. I don't want to be like the soldiers who fucked Vietnamese women in the war or the soldiers in the Philippines or the ones tin Iraq. I am not that guy and honestly...those men have no women. Who can blame them for going after what is around them. I don't want to believe that it has to do with anything other than availability no matter how fucked up that sounds. See thats another thing that pisses me off, gosh.

Anyways that leads me to this post. You might find this hard to believe, but I feel like I've become more racist after taking these classes and I don't know why. As we get older do we become more bitter and judgmental? I hope not because I want to give everyone a fair chance even if they don't give me a fair chance. Its this overwhelming guilt that pushes me back, like I can't feel these feelings because they aren't correct. I've been told that we can't help our feelings, the only thing that we can do is decide what we do with them.

I should probably talk about the book now...I'll just go on and on. The 5th chapter definitely stimulated my emotions because it dealt with the life of the Japanese after they decided to make America their permanent home. It is what spurred my previous response. I guess I don't have much to say directly about the chapter other than he points out how it became so important for children of Asian immigrants become educated and how pointless it was for them because they wouldnt be employed no matter how educated and qualified they were. THAT FUCKING PISSES ME OFF

Here we are getting an education. I wouldn't be able to stand it if someone told me that my friends couldn't get a job that I could have strictly because they were a different race than me. I want to be a doctor and I know other kids that want it so much more than me and yet if this were 80 years ago I would be a doctor and they 'might" be one...even if they were smarter and much more qualified than I. That hurts my feelings and makes me pain because I know what its like to toil to do well on a test and to push myself to my limits just so in a year or two i can look that much better on my Medschool apps. That hurts me. It doesn't make me feel guilty it makes me feel wronged because smart individuals versed in two cultures with high qualifications couldn't do the work and the research that they should have. Doctors weren't trained that should have who could have saved more lives and teachers were never hired who could have changed the way children see each others faces. That is atrocious.


DONE